Little Bit

If there really is a God, He would know how much it would make me happy to see her again. To talk to her again and see her smile. To hold her hand and to hear her laugh. After these years, I can still safely say that I still do wish for things to have ended better. And that I wish I was a better person so we didn't have to end in such a way. Things happen for a reason? Maybe. Or maybe shit just happens. But if that were the case, it's my fault. Because with logic, careful planning and common sense, shit that could happen can easily be avoided.

She has made contact recently. A name I don't recognize added me on FB. It was no surprise at all since from time to time, random people would send me a friend request on Facebook. But this time it was different. It was a familiar face. I wasn't sure at first but I had an idea who it might've been. I accepted the request just to check the location and after finding out, I just unfriended the account. I confirmed that it was her. It was her. And it's scary that I wasn't even able to tell right in the beginning. I suppose, my attempts to suppress memories and slowly cut out parts of my past have yielded unwanted results. It's quite scary to me.
There are still nights when I'd dream of her. And there are times when I'd just think of her. It was easier during the day. For many things would distract me and help me refocus on other things, more productive things than moping around or sulking over my past. And it's going good for me. I'd like to think that I'm doing better. Perhaps even way better than I thought and realized. But it is now clear to me that I still have not moved on and it's saddening. I know I must do the right thing and the right thing to do is get over her. I'm trying. Probably not too hard, but I know I'm trying.

I sent her a message instead. Telling her that it wasn't her fault. Telling her that she did the right thing to do. She had the strength to do what was better for us, strength I did not possess. I told her to be happy. And I wished her the best and the happiness she deserves. I thanked her for loving me. And for trying. I did not want to say too much. Though a thousand words still left unsaid and thoughts I wished to tell her, I refrained from writing more than what I have already said. My feelings might get in the way of saying what's right. I have hurt her enough, I don't want to end up saying something that might hurt her more. And so I left her with very few words. Though in all honesty, it's even way more than I have intended to say. After everything, I just distanced myself and chose to leave her alone. I kept to myself and bottled everything inside. Though sometimes I'd show weakness and some of my thoughts would leak through Twitter or Facebook, I did my best to keep everything inside. Because I know regardless of how much I talked about my internal hardship, it won't change the fact that we won't be together again.
In the end, I did tell her that if ever she needed someone when nobody else was there, she knows where to find me. She knows there's someone who'd be willing to give anything just to be with her again. But I do not intend to answer back if it's only for mere problems and stuff. I want to be the last resort. Because as much as I would like to be connected to her, I just can't seem to bear the pain of being reminded of us.

It seems to me that, despite my longing for this girl, and despite my best wishes for her happiness, I just can't take the fact that she's with someone else. Not sure if it hurts or if I'm just jealous. But regardless of whatever it is, I know I'm wrong and most likely being immature. But I just can't, my love. I just fucking can't. I may be a coward to be this way. But I suppose it hurts too much. And I suppose it still does.
But I know I am not the best for her. I have been enlightened and I realized she deserves someone who has a future. Who has education and someone who has money. And that person isn't me. Unfortunately.

A couple of months ago, I did contact her father. I asked him if she was okay. I had a bad dream involving her and I was worried. He did say that she was doing good and have not heard of anything bad. He followed by asking me if I knew anything. I answered him that I do not. And told him that I disconnected myself and left her alone after we broke up. His father is still nice to me and offered to let him know if I ever end up around their place. I thanked him and politely bid my adieu.

It's quite funny how someone who made me feel so strong and happy now brings nothing but weakness and grief to my life. Perhaps I should grow up. But God fucking damn it, I just can't seem to move on. I just can't seem to fucking move on...