Sorrow

Never will I ever claim to have so much more of something compared to anyone. And if I did, I would either put it in a polite or humble way, or perhaps even vulgarly make the self proclamation as a joke. I feel like seeing yourself as superior to anyone isn't exactly something nice to get a habit of doing. Although, I'm pretty sure at times I might think I'm better at something but then again I am only human. I make those mistakes, but by the end of the day, I know what's right and what's wrong. And it's very important to keep track and never lose sight of such critical matters.

With that said, I could never ever claim that I have felt so much more sorrow than anyone else. After all, regardless of how worse you think your situation is, there is always someone else out there that is most likely experiencing something far worse than what you're going through. And in most occasions, your issues might even pale in comparison to what they have to endure in life. Looking at the bright side like that, somehow keeps me going regardless of how uneasy things could be. Sorrow is very common. I'm pretty sure at some point in someone's life, they are bound to endure such hardship and deal with sadness and loneliness. It is no laughing matter. For sorrow, left unattended, could lead to more serious consequences and results. The main issue I can see is melancholia. Sometimes, I feel like I suffer from such a syndrome. But I highly doubt it. I suppose, I just get depressed days. But nothing too serious that I stop caring about everything. I have felt sadness and depression, but not to the point where I wanted to kill myself or just lose my will to move on and take care of myself. The worst I've gotten was not eating, not showering and just plain laziness to do anything. But then I'd snap out of it after 2 days or something and tell myself to wake the fuck up. Plus, I suppose being such a loner when I was a kid, really helped me be a bit more immune to loneliness. I can do just fine being by myself and not having any friends. And I can do just as fine having some and being a bit more social than usual. I developed such flexibility.

(Sorrow is a familiar entity to me. If it existed as a person, we'd be friends.)

Just like everyone else, I have felt sadness. I have fallen into sorrow. And loneliness might have much less of a meaning to someone like me compared to most people. But like I said, it is certain that someone, somewhere in this world, there's a person that has it even worse than I do. Though, I have learned to live with my issues, it almost feels like a song that has no end. I can choose to mute it with all my might. But by the end of the day, it takes quite a bit from me and I am unable to further continue the suppression. By the time my back hits the bed, I am once again left with everything I wished to forget. Or do I really even want to? At this point, I don't even know anymore. All I know is the fight goes on. Life goes on. The dreams I shared with someone else may not be the same but I do intend to make those happen. Even if it's just me in the end, or with someone else. It is just quite a shame that I live a life of running away from something that I end up seeing beside me when I stop to rest. But I believe that someday, I'll find the happiness I have always wished for. Though I am more than prepared to accept the possibility that in life, what I wish for and want do not necessarily mean they are the best for me. Perhaps I am destined for something else. Something that does not involve what I really want in life.

I have always been someone who would do his best to console those that were victims of sadness. But it seems I have come to a point where I was almost bitter about my own issues that I have lost sight of that aspect of my own self. I have ignored many instances where I could've been more sympathetic towards others. But I have let my weakness get in the way of doing the right thing. Things I would've done instead if I wasn't just so overwhelmed and focused on the things I was going through as well. And to that, I feel so sorry and regretful. I suppose, I wished to be a stronger person by telling myself that these feelings made me weak. That without love, there won't be pain. And without pain, there won't be suffering. And without weakness, I'd be completely invulnerable to all emotional damages one could be inflicted with. But I was looking at it in a wrong way. I recently learned that and I am still trying to incorporate it to my life. The right way to handle my heart, that is. It wasn't about having no heart at all. It is impossible. And frankly, not healthy. But instead, I must learn and understand my own heart.

Life goes on. Sorrow will always be there to haunt everyone. It's up to us to be strong and push through. Some falter and succumb to the pain and some emerge victorious over the emotional obstacles that life has put them through. I feel sorry for those that have lost hope and the will to live. Those that were left alone and did not get the help they desperately needed. May it be because there really was nobody to help them or that the people around them chose to ignore their cry for help. Sorrow is not a laughing matter. Some would belittle others for feeling a certain way about the things that have taken place in their lives. Some would not even be phased by anything thrown at them. And that's fine. But those that have sorrow bottled up within them are strong people in my opinion. I'd take physical pain over sorrow, any day.

Though, one thing I'd like to have everyday is... happiness. Joy.