I am a patient individual. You can probably mess with me a couple of times and I'd let it slide depending on how big of a deal it is or how much I feel like it'd be worth the time and effort to confront such hostility. I've always believed in being the bigger man. But only when such violence is directed towards me. Towards others, it's a bit more difficult to tolerate.
Patience is important. I know that much. To lose your focus and succumb to anger isn't something I often do. Though there were a bunch of times I have fallen for it. And I regret every single one of those instances for they have not yielded any good results nor endings.
The first real anger I remember feeling was at the time I knew my relationship was coming to an end with my Russian ex. I suppose at the time, I really thought I could make it work. But it was clear to me that I have failed to be everything I hoped for so she'd stay. It was a frustrating time. But looking back now, I know for a fact that she was not worth it at all. Though we had great times, I am enlightened now that she wasn't really someone I wanted to spend my life with and now I am at peace of the ending we have gotten.
The point is, I lost it one night. Not really sure anymore and I don't remember what she said. I just know I stood up off my seat and walked away from her. I don't remember at all. But I do remember the feeling. That frustration. I was angry, I suppose. But I was angry at myself. Not at her. I went into our room and the first thing I wanted to do was destroy... something. Anything. The first thing I saw was the wall. I kicked the fucking apartment wall. For a bit though it was funny, because after I kicked it, my foot went through and it left a massive hole. Then right after I was upset because I knew I'd be the one to fix it. She was crying and I tried to comfort her.
(Anger isn't something I often feel. And it's something I avoid.)
The next one came shortly after. Or maybe before that. I don't really remember anymore. And I'm not going to waste my time trying to figure it out. It does not hold any significance to my life now. And it's not worth it.
I was walking with two of my band mates that I played music with. At that time, I guess I was stirred because of the relationship issues I was having. I even turned down a promotion so I could focus more on someone that was more important to me. Big mistake. But I've learned from it. The bass player kept talking about something and I asked him so stop. I asked him a couple of more times to stop. He did for a bit, but just to piss me off, he started again and I just fucking lost it.
I kicked his back and I just rushed him. We were fighting in front of De L'Eglise metro. The funny thing was my drummer friend didn't even try and stop us. I think that was the first time I actually started violence. And I must admit, it felt good. Violence, felt good. But it scared me. Because after that, I felt like I wanted to fight again. Maybe it's that rush you feel when you just have no care in the world but to make that one person bleed. It scared me so much I promised myself never to do it again. Unless I really have no choice, I guess.
There were also numerous times where I threw an alarm clock, hit walls and doors. And I've come to realize that I don't have a tendency to hurt people. But I do have quite the drive to feel like destroying things around me when I get angry or frustrated in such a high level of degree. The good thing is, I would always walk out and keep myself away from people whenever I get genuinely angry. I see that as a good thing. Maybe unconsciously, my mind knows I don't want to hurt anyone or that I don't want them to see me in such a shameful and weak state. I'd like to think that's a good thing.
Though, what's not a good thing is sorrow. And it's something I'm quite familiar with.
I was walking with two of my band mates that I played music with. At that time, I guess I was stirred because of the relationship issues I was having. I even turned down a promotion so I could focus more on someone that was more important to me. Big mistake. But I've learned from it. The bass player kept talking about something and I asked him so stop. I asked him a couple of more times to stop. He did for a bit, but just to piss me off, he started again and I just fucking lost it.
I kicked his back and I just rushed him. We were fighting in front of De L'Eglise metro. The funny thing was my drummer friend didn't even try and stop us. I think that was the first time I actually started violence. And I must admit, it felt good. Violence, felt good. But it scared me. Because after that, I felt like I wanted to fight again. Maybe it's that rush you feel when you just have no care in the world but to make that one person bleed. It scared me so much I promised myself never to do it again. Unless I really have no choice, I guess.
There were also numerous times where I threw an alarm clock, hit walls and doors. And I've come to realize that I don't have a tendency to hurt people. But I do have quite the drive to feel like destroying things around me when I get angry or frustrated in such a high level of degree. The good thing is, I would always walk out and keep myself away from people whenever I get genuinely angry. I see that as a good thing. Maybe unconsciously, my mind knows I don't want to hurt anyone or that I don't want them to see me in such a shameful and weak state. I'd like to think that's a good thing.
Though, what's not a good thing is sorrow. And it's something I'm quite familiar with.
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