First year high school started and I didn't see anyone worth pursuing. I like some girls but there were things about them that seemed incorrect. Sometimes, it'd be because they're too boastful, they judge other people or sometimes they think too highly of themselves. And it turned me off quite a bit. Second year high school passed and it was the same thing. Probably even worse. Girls that I liked were somewhat living in their own world and acting like they were princesses. Sure, they had the looks. But looking good doesn't mean you gotta look down on other people. Or perhaps I'm exaggerating things in my head. After all, memories can be easily twisted and tweaked through time. And it's been so long.
Third year high school started... It was the year my grades started declining. At that point, I was a bit corrupted and wasn't the same student like before. I paid little attention in class and didn't take things as serious. Probably because I knew I probably won't stay anymore to finish. My papers to migrate to Canada were being processed and finalized. I made frequent trips to the capital to work on my documents and medical examinations prior to my trip. It was only a matter of time until I leave and probably never come back to see anyone again. It was sad and I almost felt like my life was numbered. Like I was living the last few weeks or months of my time with friends and family. I started going to school with nothing but my Table Tennis gear and an extra shirt. I didn't do homework anymore and I made more absences. However, I still passed and didn't fail classes.
For that level, we were asked to choose what sort of clinic we wanna go to. I don't quite remember the other options, but it was clear to me where I wanted to go. I went to the Computer class. And it's probably one of the best decisions I have done in my life.
(She was the first girl I legitimately liked and admired.)
I sat there alone and shy. I don't think I knew anyone. The room was small but air conditioned. And clean. I was more than fine with where I was, I was just a bit shy coz I ended up in a class and didn't have friends in it. Then there was this girl. I heard her voice and immediately turned to see who it was. She somehow stuck out from everyone else and seemed different. She had this really nice hair and clean looking skin. And I remember how beautiful I thought she looked. I remember that feeling. Not sure if I believe in love at first sight. But if such a thing existed, that was probably it. Days passed, maybe even weeks. I don't remember anymore. And my feelings for this girl just kept growing and growing. To the point I may have lost control and finally found the testicular fortitude to declare to her my intentions. Honestly speaking, I don't remember anymore how I did it. And I know I probably did it in such a terrible way I probably would laugh at myself now.
She seemed very different from everyone in school. She wasn't too girly nor sounded like she thought of herself way above than others. Two things I've always fancied in a girl. Of course, looks count as well. And she had way more than average when it came to that. She played Volleyball and had great friends. I played Table Tennis and had a few good friends. But somehow, I didn't have the confidence to believe someone like her would be interested in a guy like me. It was quite overwhelming and scary to me. But I felt like I knew what I had to do. As if my heart told me to go through with it or else you could regret it for the rest of your life. Even if that meant potentially scarring you forever, I believed with all my heat it was something I needed to do and so I did it and told her.
However... it pained me to have done such a thing. I liked her a lot but I knew she didn't like me. I was someone who didn't have a lot of confidence and it wasn't like I was one of the cool kids either. I was a nobody and to make it all worse, I knew I'd be leaving and going away soon. It was a mistake to even tell her. Even if she decided to accept me and actually like me, I would just be hurting her in the end. And it's something I don't really want to do. I didn't know what to say nor do.
I walked inside the school and this girl, one of her friends came to me. She then handed me a note. I stood there looking at it thinking whether I should open it or not. I knew it might be something I won't like. But I had to open it anyway. I stood there some more as I read the first few lines of the letter. I didn't finish the whole thing. I folded it back the way it was and put it in my pocket. Then I walked away and out of the school. I don't even think I took a ride, I just walked. I got home, threw my bag on the bed and sat on the toilet bowl. I sat there in tears and disappointment. Disappointment not of her, but of myself. I have made a decision that I thought was incorrect and selfish. And it resulted to rejection. What was I expecting? I blamed myself. But then again, who else would I blame? I deserved it and I paid for my actions. I wonder where that note is now... I should've kept it.
(One of the few things that reminds me of how early it is when I liked black and red.)
I then found myself in a plane on my way to Japan and ultimately to Canada. I had this sort of wrist accessory made of plastic straws in my hand. She made it for me a while back and it was red and black. She asked me what colors I liked and what to put on it. I told her, that I liked black and red. And to put the word, 'KAT' on it. Up to this day, I still have it with me. There was a time when it was so important to me that I'd go back home from school after realizing I have left it.
Though, it didn't end the way I wished it did. Because of the series of events that I have experienced because of her, I have learned many things. And I'm glad she did what she has done. However, the story between us doesn't end here.
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