(Photo has nothing to do with the subject. I'm such a rebel. Yeah...)
It's been very difficult to get some sleep for the past year or so. Despite of how tired I am, I just can't seem to fall asleep that easily. Though, it seems that the best way to really get myself to sleep is to either exhaust myself or resort to alcohol. And I don't really feel like any of those methods are healthy.
As much as I love sleeping, I just can't bare to withstand the actual 'trying to sleep' and 'waking up' parts of the said activity. The moment my back hits the bed, yes it's relaxing, but it also renders my brain to wander to places I'd rather not visit at all. It's quite an activity that does not demand a lot of brain power, and so I start thinking about the things I just wish to forget. And the simple and supposedly relaxing night experience tends to become excruciating and more of a torture than it's supposed to be. And so I resort to viewing things on my phone to distract myself. YouTube videos, gaming news, Facebook, Twitter, anything. Anything to distract my mind and just eventually fall asleep due to exhaustion. It worked for me all this time, but it's not easy.
Waking up is pretty much the same thing. Sometimes, I wake up and I feel like I have so much great things to look forward to. But also, a lot of times I just feel like it's pointless and I don't really want to even get up. And on rare occasions, even wake up. But that's rare and I eventually come to a realization of how weak of a character that would be and I pull, drag myself out of bed.
The dreams, bitter sweet in nature, don't help either. Although, lately they have been occuring less and less. And I'm thankful for that. It used to be almost everyday. I suppose it just means I'm doing much better. It was quite bad to the point I wake up in the morning with tears in my eyes. I ask myself why and all I can remember is bits and pieces of what I just saw in my dream prior to waking up. It sounds quite dramatic and perhaps I'm making it sound more terrible than it really is. But the truth of the matter is I just have an extreme difficulty sleeping. Though, I have no reason to believe that I suffer from any sort of insomnia at all. I still fall asleep every night. Just, having a very hard time doing so...
As much as I love sleeping, I just can't bare to withstand the actual 'trying to sleep' and 'waking up' parts of the said activity. The moment my back hits the bed, yes it's relaxing, but it also renders my brain to wander to places I'd rather not visit at all. It's quite an activity that does not demand a lot of brain power, and so I start thinking about the things I just wish to forget. And the simple and supposedly relaxing night experience tends to become excruciating and more of a torture than it's supposed to be. And so I resort to viewing things on my phone to distract myself. YouTube videos, gaming news, Facebook, Twitter, anything. Anything to distract my mind and just eventually fall asleep due to exhaustion. It worked for me all this time, but it's not easy.
Waking up is pretty much the same thing. Sometimes, I wake up and I feel like I have so much great things to look forward to. But also, a lot of times I just feel like it's pointless and I don't really want to even get up. And on rare occasions, even wake up. But that's rare and I eventually come to a realization of how weak of a character that would be and I pull, drag myself out of bed.
The dreams, bitter sweet in nature, don't help either. Although, lately they have been occuring less and less. And I'm thankful for that. It used to be almost everyday. I suppose it just means I'm doing much better. It was quite bad to the point I wake up in the morning with tears in my eyes. I ask myself why and all I can remember is bits and pieces of what I just saw in my dream prior to waking up. It sounds quite dramatic and perhaps I'm making it sound more terrible than it really is. But the truth of the matter is I just have an extreme difficulty sleeping. Though, I have no reason to believe that I suffer from any sort of insomnia at all. I still fall asleep every night. Just, having a very hard time doing so...
(The dreams don't help at all. I like them, but at the same time, I don't.)
Acquaintances have recommended me tips on how to easily fall asleep, from drinking warm milk to masturbating before going to bed. None of them seemed to worked for me. None except to really get myself so tired and sleepy I just crash and wake up the next morning. I am hopeful that in a few more weeks or maybe months, I'd be doing better than this. A divination indicated that it will take 3 years before I find my way or something. I wanna see if that's true. I normally don't believe in destiny nor fortune telling, but at this point, I don't really give a crap anymore. I am essentially just riding the waves and following the stream of the river while I do what I feel is right at the same time.
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