To My Mother

One thing's for sure, my mother may not be the most sentimental person in the world, but she knows what she needs to do to make sure her child is taken care of. Or maybe she's just not the type of person to show such emotion and attachment. Perhaps I should learn from her.

I've always done my best to be the greatest guy for the one I love. For the one I treasure more than anything. And I've always been faithful and loving, among other things. I'm not saying I'm perfect though. I've done my fair share of mistakes. Mistakes I've learned from, of course. But now, where are these girls? Some of them told me always. Forever. They talked about children and the future. But I am all that is left with these dreams and promises. My mom's the only female that's been there for me from the beginning, and she's still there even when I'm in my darkest hours. Though, she may not be the most compassionate nor emotionally supportive, I fully acknowledge the fact that she's never done anything to betray me. And it's something I need to consider and not take for granted.

I believe her sort of mentality and approach in life originated from my father's death. I was only a year old, or maybe less when he passed away. I know nothing of my father, except for the fact that we both look alike. It's uncanny. i look at myself in the mirror and I see him. Just, with my mother's height... Hehe.
I suppose my mother deeply loved my father. If she didn't, I think she would've remarried after the tragic and sad event. But she didn't. She never remarried. And I don't even think she dated at all. She was just... very inclined to work to financially support me. Which I appreciate. Because I didn't grow up to be ragged and poor. We weren't rich. But we weren't poor. All thanks to her and my grand parents. I cannot thank them enough.

One time, I overheard my grand mother and my mother talking in the dinning room. I was very young and alone playing in my grand parents' big house. Where I grew up, essentially.
And she said, "When Aron's father died, I threw my heart in his grave."
At the time, it didn't make much sense to me. But now, I suppose I'm a bit more grown up to have an idea as to what she really meant by that. And I'd like to think that I do fully understand the notion. And perhaps, even on my own way to such a decision. If I haven't done so already.

Will I end up like my mother? Someone who seemed to have taken the word, "love" and complete torn that page in her life along with everything that came along with it. In a way, I find that to be such a difficult decision. Yet I know with all my heart that it made her stronger as a person. She is quite a strong woman and I admire her for that. She's a damn strong woman. She really is.

I wish I could've been a better son to her. And a better grand child to my grand parents. I've shown great potential as a kid. As a young child. But it seems the decisions I have made in life didn't quite fit to be something a good kid would've chosen to do. I know I ain't that bad, I could be worse. But at the same time, I wished I could've been more for them. I have no face to show my grand parents, and I have no face to show my mother. I know it's not too late. I can still turn things around. I just feel like I don't have enough motivation to drive myself towards improvement. And with the everyday mind torture I have to go through, I do try hard to make things better. But I feel like I'm running out of time. And I find no inspiration to move forward. It's almost as if each day I look forward to the future so I can live my past. I'm doing better though. But it's still not easy.

Anyway, I've gone a bit out of topic. I apologize, it seems my own issues always tend to get in the way. Nothing new there.

I don't think my mother will ever read this.
But I just want to say that I thank you with all my heart and the life you have given me. Thank you for everything. I thank you for being just the way you are. It makes us both way different from everyone else. I'm not gonna say I love you. I think we both know this is a word we don't need in our lives.

Thanks, ma.