B.K.

I've always admired her for her beauty, attitude and personality. She's a very vibrant and attractive woman. Her smile alone could take away your fatigue and sadness. And her eyes essentially show you that this world ain't such a terrible place to be. It's almost as if when she looks at you and you look at her, you instantly know that nothing else fucking matters but that moment right there. She smiles a lot and is very polite. That's very rare nowadays. And she respects people. A lot of people nowadays are very rude. And I'm glad for her sake that she isn't one of them.

I see her almost every Sunday. Except for those times when I can't get to work for ridiculous reasons I refuse to disclose in this public diary. Haha.
It seems I have a really good reason to buy coffee at Cafe Depot.

She's quite a sight to see. Too bad she's way over my league. And too bad I cannot afford to have any attachments. I feel like I have learned my lesson. A part of me says no more to relationships. But a part of me at the same time reminds me of what I have always wanted for in my life. And it's love. But I can't help thinking that I am doing myself a favor. I intend to focus on myself and avoid relationships. Perhaps it's not something for me despite my efforts to be the best guy for someone. Maybe I am bound to be alone. Perhaps that's my destiny. Heh, I don't even believe in destiny. but, whatever.

The sad thing is, I can't even look at her for too long. I am that afraid of affection. I joke around about girls and beautiful women to friends. But in reality, I fear the thought of falling in love. Or maybe I just don't want to anymore. I don't know. But one thing is for sure, I am not gay. I love women. I just can't afford to fall in love with them. I guess there's a difference.

I wish her all the best. And I hope that she finds someone that deserves her. Someone that won't hurt her in any way. She deserves the best. And unfortunately, I don't think I'm that guy. Quite a shame.