Closed Door

I sat there alone. In the dark. Under the faint lighting provided by nothing but a bunch of dim stars in the sky. The moon hid behind the dark clouds above me, reluctant and indecisive. The water in front of me, vast and stagnant. The bench was colder than usual, and the breeze in the air slightly chillier than before. People, far away, were passing by. Some were alone, some were with another. And some moved as a crowd.
I sat there alone. Still. I'd stare into nothingness, then venture forth looking to my right or to my left. A horse carriage passed behind me. I've always wanted to ride that. But I never had a reason to do so.

What she said to me made a lot of sense. The connection between us seemed evident enough that we might've been on to something. She seemed like a great person, she was pretty and smart, artistic, played video games, the right height for me, didn't drink, didn't smoke. Pretty much everything I've been looking for in a girl and even more. And perhaps way too more. The connection between us seemed significant enough for me to actually think things through and not just ignore it. And it led me to where I was sitting that night. I wondered and asked myself questions. Then I pondered and asked myself more questions. I did some thinking and when I was done, I still found myself in the same spot where I was before. Still the same bench, still the same dilemma. Questions were asked but were not answered properly. It was clear to me that my judgment and critical thinking was already clouded and compromised. I was beginning to show clear signs of having feelings for someone. I wasn't sure if it scared me or made me happy. But I sure was skeptical.

I've always thought my father was too old for my mother. But it seems for the second time now, I am going to end up with someone way younger than me. And it made me feel uneasy. Almost as if I despised the fact that I am following into my father's footsteps. Not that I hated my father, but I sure am not happy that he had to die and leave my mother alone. I almost disgusted myself. Thinking that I was like a pedophile. But at the same time, she was the one that seemed more attracted to me than I was attracted to her. It caused me minor confusions and really made me ask myself whether I should really give it a chance. In her own words, "open the door for me and let me in".

The distance between both of us in terms of life status and literal location was also vast. She's from a family with 3 cars, a boat and a private air transportation services. And I was... I was just some dude who hasn't even finished high school yet and lives in a small apartment with his mother. No car, no house. No future. It was a classic princess and the pauper setting. I was in Canada and she was in the US. Now that I look back, it's pretty clear to me that I have already made a decision even before I went to that place to sit down and think. Because if my resolve to never love again was as solid as it was before, then I wouldn't have walked to that bench to even think about what she told me. It was such a confusing and uneasy time. I did not know what to do. A part of me knew that I probably shouldn't do this, but a part of me also felt that you know exactly what you want in life and you shouldn't let this pass you by.
Needless to say, in the end I made my decision. And it let to many great things. I've learned so much and experienced a lot of things. It made me realize a lot about life and people in general. It also led to some of the most painful things I had to endure in life. I was enlightened as to how messed up I've let my life become and how superficial I was as a person. It led to a big slap to my face and a very much appreciated reality check.

And now I'm left with memories of good and bad things. Memories that start to fade little by little as the days go by. I was so happy. I was. And I thought I could make it work. But I was too weak and pathetic. Too poor and helpless. Too superficial and childish. I was really happy. But just like a lot of things in life, it didn't last. However, lesson learned. For a long time it tore me apart. I stitched myself together and kept myself from completely getting shredded by playing video games, chilling with friends and just getting into activities that would keep my mind off things. Alcohol would've been my first go to problem solving substance. But I did promise her that I would never drink again. I kept it for her even after the morning of October 24.
There was self-hatred. Spite. Absolution. Jealousy.

I look back to that night and ask myself today: if I knew things would've ended this way, would I have made the same decision to give both of us a chance?
The superficial part of me says "yes". But the new me says "no". I closed that door and I opened it for a chance to find what I've always wanted even though it seemed like a very difficult thing to do. But that was me. I was willing to do and go through anything if it meant I could find happiness.