Things have been good and things have been bad. Such is the unpredictability of life. We live it day by day, remembering the past and looking forward to the future. Like dogs, we should live in the present. It's the right thing to do but at times, terribly difficult to do so. Things have been good for me. But of course, some things have been bed. Life's unpredictable. You never know what could happen next. It is beautiful that way, yet so ugly at the same time. But we live with it and have learned to deal with it.
School's been good. But then again, I'm not exactly studying anything too difficult right now. At least not to me. Like I mentioned a bunch of times in past entries, I can't wait to finally get these two courses done and finally study something more challenging, and something I'm interested in. And that day draws near. In another week, I'll be scheduled for another exam. And after passing it, I'll be clear for another one. One last exam. There's no stain of doubt in my mind, I will pass these. I am confident. I have no worries in my mind and heart. This is the month where I will have to exert a tad bit more of effort into my studies though. The past two months have been easy enough. And quite frankly, passed extremely fast. Time flies, like they say. It's only Madonna who thinks time goes by so slowly.
Nothing new to report. Nothing new to write about. I'm finally coming to the end of this journey and will be able to finally be proud of something. But it does not end here. It is merely the beginning. The beginning of the changes I want to make for myself. For my life. And for the one that will share the remainder of my years with, if any.
Work's been okay. I have fun at times and I do like to work hard and get busy. An employment where I cannot wear my Converse is something new to me. And dressing the way I do nowadays has been something I've gotten used to now. In fact, I think I prefer to carry such an attire now. Clean and sharp. I'm loving it. But I still want to keep the sporty part of myself. It does offer for more maneuverability and comfort, but I can manage with being dressed up just fine. I will have to invest in more pieces of the attire though. Like I mentioned, I'm very new to this and I don't have a lot to wear. Slowly but surely, I'm procuring apparel for such a getup.
The end of my probation period approaches. I was supposed to thank her once again for getting me in to this job. But by the way things have ended between us, I don't think she'd appreciate seeing my face or hearing from me again. And so I stay clear away from her life. But I do appreciate it and hope that someday she'll be able to forgive me. I feel like there's a lot of misunderstandings and words taken out of context leading up to this undesirable end. But what I have to say probably doesn't matter much anymore anyway. I just hope that we shall someday talk again. At least one last time. I adapted gray into my wardrobe color selection in remembrance of her. She has gray eyes.
My pursuit of finding a significant other has yielded no significant result aside from the fact that I was finally, in a way, liberated from the hole I have buried myself into for the past 2 and so years. It might not be much to most people, but it is a big step for me as a heart broken warrior. But I believe I have learned so much about life, loss, love and myself in the past few years. And in the end, I emerged stronger in heart and mind. I guess what doesn't kill you makes you stronger, for real.
I also know that I don't have much to offer. I'm not ugly not handsome. I'm nowhere near hot nor tall. I don't have a lot of money and I don't have a car. I could sit here for hours writing about what I am not and what I don't possess. The truth is being sweet and romantic just won't ever cut it. It seems I'm not very lucky when it comes to finding someone who would like me for exactly what I am. And so I strive to have what I don't while comparing myself to others. It is the driving force that brought me back to school. To be better in financial and materialistic aspects of life. I have another prospect. But I can't help but feel discouraged that I'll just lose again for being... well, being a loser. It's the truth that I must live with. But I'm working on breaking out of that label. It hurts when you know it is the truth, it hurts when you hear people belittle others that are in the same position as you. But it helps me be stronger and devoted to my pursuit of self-improvement. I never had the easy way of learning things or getting myself provided with help. It is perhaps one of the reasons why I'm still stuck where I am. But I'm proud that somehow, I have not gone completely astray despite the lack of help and proper encouragement from family and friends from back then.
Training has been paying off. I am noticing noticeable forming of better shapes on parts of my body, mainly the shoulders, triceps, biceps, chest and abdomen. Though, my main issue is getting rid of my love handles. I will require some time devoted to cardio if I want to really be serious about getting rid of them. Spring is coming. I might have to start jogging soon. I've also stopped drinking protein shakes and focused on just eating more meat. Eating more in general. I have a small frame. And luckily, I don't have a big belly. So I can easily just focus on gaining mass while making sure I'm doing the necessary exercises to give my form the shape and tone I aim for. I am not doing this training at home to be buffed. I am doing it to get rid of unnecessary fat and just tone myself a bit. So far so good. I just need to be consistent and watch what I eat and drink. That wouldn't be difficult. I have stopped alcohol. And will have to stop sodas as well. I could stick to juice and water. I will have to watch my sugar intake as well. Which is something that is quite a challenge to me because I like sweet stuff. But I'll do my best.
Clan activity has been very low. Alarmingly low. There was a time when it felt like it was just Scout and I that were playing. And there was a time when it felt like it was just Pyro and I that were the only SoW left. And now, things feel quite disconnected and dead. I've proposed acquisition of new recruits to expand the clan roster and perhaps spark some activity that we desperately needed. But now, I just feel ashamed because we brought people into a dead and stagnant group. I hope they don't regret joining us and felt like they just joined an inactive clan. I've also proposed a monthly or bi-monthly clan gathering that would at least produce activity outside the game if we really feel bored about this year's installment. It is something that is yet to be discussed with the others. I will bring it up to Scout again the next time I see him. In addition, I have also proposed the idea of perhaps tackling the LEAGUE PLAY portion of the game. It gives the members something to work towards to in contrast to the usual ELITE clan challenges and operations we do. But I doubt it would be of any interest to the others. But at least I'm trying. I don't want to see this group crumble into oblivion. I have visions for this clan and I hope to see them happen. But perhaps I'm being too optimistic and ambitious for my own good. Maybe I'm taking this too seriously again. Like I did when we started doing clan operations. In the end, I was better off not taking things seriously. So perhaps I should just calm down too. Aimbot's concerns were legitimate. But what can we do?
A friend from back in High School has just landed in Toronto for a job. She brought me 2 Slapshock albums that I have asked her to bring for me. And she did, apparently. I'm happy! I asked her how much I owed her but only opted for a minimum payment of taking her out one day. I agreed since I'm not really courting anyone this time. So I feel like I'm not doing anything wrong. But when I can visit her is a question I cannot answer right now. I won't drive there, that's for sure. I will look up plane tickets one of these days to get an idea of how much I will need for a weekend trip or something. It's been so long since the last time I've seen anyone I know from the Philippines. Last time I went was 2005. I have not improved much since then... it's sad. But I hope to see her soon. Or even fly her here someday. Maybe when SESS visits.
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