Back to School: Day 21 [Hopeful]

(Entry number 10 in my Jar of Awesomeness)

I woke up, made breakfast and got ready for work. I've always given myself around an hour to 45 minutes of free time to have coffee at the mall before I start my shift. I got there and got my usual coffee. A couple of days ago, I asked her when she would work next. Not that I wanted to see her. I mean, I do. But I didn't think she wanted to see me. But I wanted to know because I knew a week will soon pass since the last time I sent her flowers. I try to give each bouquet a week tops before I assume they're dying or all dead already. She did not give me a day and so I assumed she either did not want to tell me or she just forgot. Either of the two would not be a good sign to me. So I decided to just drop by at the usual flower shop and send her flowers today even if I wasn't sure if she worked. I took a wild guess and in the end, I was lucky enough that she was there.

The florist seemed to have known my face now. I got there and he came out. He greeted me by the name 'Ninja' and offered to shake hands. I was surprised but I kinda understand how they would remember me. I come there every week, I have a unique name that I use and I am probably the only customer they have that comes regularly. So that was a nice start to my otherwise normal day.
I was asked if I had a date today because I posted about my recent visit to the flower shop. Funny thing is I am not. And the last time I was with the girl I liked... I can't even remember. Probably 3 weeks ago? I think. Maybe more. The point is, I wasn't going to be in a date and I don't even know if I'll ever be. I mean, we've spent a little bit of time together before. But I never really considered them as dates.
It's also funny that people assume you're on a date when buying flowers. Unfortunately for me, I wasn't.

I don't really know if I'll ever get an official date. I don't really know if things will turn out the way I wish for them to. I don't really know if I'm making a difference or making an impact by sending flowers every week. I don't know if I'll ever be more than just a stranger. I don't know if I'll still like her after finally getting to know her more. I don't know if her friends or family would like me even if she did. I don't know if in a year, she'd actually like me too. I don't know if I can really find what I'm looking for with her. I don't know if I'm even her type. I don't know what she thinks or feels about me. I don't know if I'm doing the right thing.

But I do know that I'm hopeful that someday, maybe someday I'll get an official date. I'm hopeful that in the end, things will turn out the way I wish for them to. I'm hopeful that even if I don't get to talk to her, the flowers I send every week reminds her that there's this honest and sincere guy that would like to get to know her. I'm hopeful that the efforts would make a difference and a good impact. I'm hopeful that maybe eventually, I'll be more than just a stranger. I'm hopeful that I'd get the opportunity to really get to know her and like her even more than I do now. I'm hopeful that if by any chance she actually ended up liking me, her friends would be able to accept me too. I'm hopeful that maybe in a year, she'd finally like me too and give me a chance. I'm hopeful that I'd find what I want in life with her. I'm hopeful that somehow I'm her type as well. I'm hopeful that soon I'll get to know what she really thinks or feels about me outside being just a stranger to her. I'm hopeful that even if I don't know if I'm doing the right thing, I'll be lucky enough just for doing what I feel is what I want to do.

All I really have is hope. And reading back past messages or remembering the times we were together to cheer myself up and stay positive. All I am is just some guy sending someone flowers every week hoping that it could help close the gap between being a stranger not worthy of her time and someone slightly better than that. It makes me feel kinda desperate. But I'm not. I'm not even supposed to be thinking of girls. I have my life to fix. But I feel like if I give up on her, I also give up on finding out if this is the girl that I'll finally settle with. And I don't wanna miss that opportunity. I just wished I had more clarity to the situation... But I don't. And it's okay. Because for once in my life, I am challenged to work for someone I like. Not just have it easy and in the end, lose them after.

I have so much more to write about. But I do not have the luxury of time. I cut this short tonight, but know that I have so much more to write about her. I should leave the discussion out of this topic and perhaps create a new series just for her. After all, I do intend to document everything. Perhaps privately. It seems like a good idea. I might do that.

I'm hopeful that in the end, I'll get a good ending. I'm hopeful.