I think this may be an entry that's going to be quite on topic compared to my past posts. It's just fair to be writing about my adventures in class and my plans for the future involving my studies.
I've mentioned this a bunch of other times already in past entries. I am one of those people that made some childish and careless decisions when he was a younger man. And now he pays for it. I have no regrets but I do wish that I realized the ramifications of my thoughtlessness and disregard for education, a couple of years ago a bit earlier. Though people say it's never too late, and I know it is indeed not too late for me, I do wish that I could be in a better situation in life right now. But I have learned from the error of my ways and was enlightened that education is extremely important. Especially if you desire or are forced to live inside the box. I was superficial and passionate about things that I found to be what I wanted to do. And that is completely fine. The fault was that I completely became oblivious of my priorities and ended up being a drop out. It was never about school being difficult. It was always about it being boring. That notion paired with the wrong friends and activities, I found myself living a carefree life with no apparent interest in continuing his studies. Years passed, a lot of drinking and playing music. A lot of time that I wouldn't say wasted, but instead spent in activities that did not really contribute to establishing a secure and stable future. No regrets, however.
After getting my face slapped by the reality that I failed to think about, I had my eyes open. And so I rushed to get back into my studies and I did complete a huge and significant chunk of it. All thanks to a new found inspiration and motivation. I was motivated by love and the drive to be a better person to impress other people. You should never compare yourself to others, yes. But it's not easy when her father's a pilot with a big house and three cars and I'm just some Asian guy with a long hair and nothing else.
So I cut my hair, I cleaned up my act and went back to school. I completed most of what I needed to finish with just a tiny bit more to go before I can finally start studying for a career I would be interested in. And though she is not around anymore, I am still in school trying to be a better person. Not for her nor her parents, but for myself and the next girl that would come to my life. I always and still up to this day, felt that I've lost her because I was not able to be a more financially reliable person and an overall more successful man. Perhaps part of the reason why I'm so anxious and stressed about being a better person is that I fear the notion of once again losing someone for the same reason or worse, not finding what I've always wanted in life because of it. And so today I stress about what I would like to do in life. I intend to figure it out real soon. Real soon.
Class was good tonight. Caused some laughs in class and had a nice time talking to some of my classmates. I can be a very introverted person. But once I get familiarized with people, I can easily talk and get along with them. The only issue with me is if I don't like someone, it's not easy for me to hide it. Or if there's something wrong, it'll show in my actions and attitude. But it's something I am working on bettering. Because there are just times that people don't need to know I'm sad, stressed or upset.
Back to school, I actually learned something tonight. I usually just sit there and answer all the questions the teacher asks the class in my head. I'd be there paying attention but would be insanely bored because I pretty much know the lesson. There are just very few instances where I'd be a bit amused because I didn't know a concept, rule or method of determining things or formulating things. And I'm grateful for those very few instances because I learn and I paid hard earned money to learn something in class, not just get bored and look at the clock.
Thursday evening and the whole day of Friday, I'll be working on my presentation. Still uncertain what to talk about, but I'll definitely figure it out. I'm thinking of tackling the subject of breast cancer or the bubonic plague. There are some very unpleasant images to look at if I decide to go with the black death. But not that I'm disgusted, but more like cautious whether they're images I could show in class or not. Just to play it safe, I'll just go with breast cancer and choose easy images to display. In any case, I'll get it done by Saturday or Sunday. I will have to focus my attention to it and forget the easy assignments for now. I also have an upcoming exam to take probably by the end of this month or next month. We'll see. I'm awaiting for my assignment to get corrected and when it does, I'll just have to schedule for that test.
I wonder how she is. Wish I knew when she worked this week. But I won't ask anymore. It seems very intrusive of her privacy. I just don't know how I can time the flowers every week when she's working. Or maybe I won't even have to time it! I'll just send every Wednesday or Saturday. Maybe that's what I'll do. I sent her a dozen last Wednesday, I think it's about time I send her another bouquet. That's right. I said I will make sure I keep that vase filled up. And I will.
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