Things have been great for me lately. To most people, it's likely that the things that have been happening in my life are nothing too spectacular nor impressive at all. After all, I am just a simple guy with nothing much to be proud of. I ain't tall nor handsome. Not even remotely sexy by people's standards. I have no car nor an amazing career to have a lot of money. I'm not someone who has an acceptable educational background either. Although I am working on having one right now. I don't have my own place and I don't have someone I can call mine either. I'm not so awesome in French and I'm not perfect with my English either.
I don't own much material things and I don't have much of those that I actually need either. I don't have a lot of clothes, not a lot of shoes. I don't have a lot of money, not a lot of girls I've been with.
I live in a very small apartment, and I sleep in a small bed. I could sit here for hours writing about the things I do not possess and the properties I do not have. I'm far from perfect and I've come to accept this a long time ago. And so even the smallest of things and the most minute shed of joy in life that I encounter, I approach with utmost appreciation. If I made some time to sit and talk with a friend just to chillax with him or have coffee with someone I like but really didn't like me back, these small things bring me enough happiness and content to keep me going. Keep me believing that somehow there's more to life than just working and staying alive.
All those times I was left alone in solitude, never failed to make me think... I thought about a lot of things. Inspirational, gratifying, joyful, depressing and truthful things. About myself, how I was, what I've become and what I should be. I've compared myself to others. I've blamed myself for how things turned out. I've felt hopelessness and I've felt betrayed. I've been in denial and was deceitful. Not towards anyone, but only to myself. I've been superficial. I've been a hopeless romantic. I once believed that love was the greatest thing anyone can have in this world. Then I denounced it. Then believed in it again. It was a confusing time. All seemed blurry and the absolution in my new beliefs were the only things that seemed clear. Yet remained questionable. Why? I didn't know at the time. But looking back now, it's apparent that it was because my mind and heart were stirred. And like water, they will not reflect nor show you anything you can nor should trust. The surface cleared out and started getting more calm. It is yet to remain still for me to really be free from its detrimental grasp. But I am glad that after those years, I got better. Not perfectly okay, but definitely way better. And I can finally think better as well. Time plays an important role in our lives, I must say.
I bid them farewell after a nice evening of playing video games and having fun. I was hoping that Scout would make it because I didn't want to get stuck between a double date. Maybe I was jealous and envious of what they had. But as my brothers, it was both an honor and a pleasure just to be invited to be with them and so I went to be there with them. Unfortunately, I was the only one that came aside from the two couples. And so I sat there constantly reminded of my loss, the things I used to do and the person I used to be. But I also had fun playing video games with them. And so it was well worth it. But I am only human and so there was a limit to how much I could take. But I did my best to take a lot and endure it. For my brothers, or at least, the people I consider to be my brothers. I said goodbye and thanked the host for having me. I don't see them both that often and so I went out of my way to come and spend some time with them even if he lived quite far away. I kinda wished more people came, however. But in the end, I lived and everything was okay. I'm happy for both of them. They are awesome people and they deserve to be happy. I even recently greeted them a happy Valentines day.
The night was cold and dark. Nothing new in the life of mine. The walk was as expected a lonely one. I thought of when I used to write and play music. It was a lot of fun and I always thought it was something that I was extremely passionate about. Though I wrote tunes that a lot of people might not even consider as music, it didn't stop me from doing what I thought was inspiring and creative. I can make ballads, I just chose to write metal. And my friends and I had fun. We had beers and jamming sessions. We had fun. I've written some pieces that I thought reflected myself and my thoughts on a creative level. I should try and find those lyrics. I can be quite poetic when I'm in the mood.
I stopped my passion for playing music. There came a time in my life where I had to choose between continuing and being serious with a band or trying to be more of a man who lived inside the box... And I chose the box. I chose to cut my hair to look cleaner. I chose to not wear ripped pants. I chose to no longer wear chains. And I chose to go to school and stop drinking. For a girl. For someone who isn't even a part of my life anymore. And though it may seem tragic, it paved the way to the right decisions I've made after she was gone. And so despite being quite disappointed and hurt from how we ended, I still thank her up to this day. Because if it wasn't for her, I probably wouldn't have grown up. It took a big and painful kick to the balls, but in the end, I turned out to be a more realistic and less superficial person.
I was walking in the store when I realized that my shoe lace got untied. And so just like any normal person, I squatted down on the side of the aisle and proceeded to untangle the knot and attempt to tie the lace back the way they're supposed to be. It was quite the inconvenience that the knot turned out to be tougher than expected to undo. So I was pulling and pulling, harder than usual. The next thing I know, I lost grip of the lace and accidentally hit myself on the crotch with my fist. I have stepped on carabao manure, got pooped on by a bird, slept with a redhead and disguised myself as a flower delivery guy. But I never thought that at some point in my life, I'd end up accidentally punching myself on the groin. Luckily, there was nobody there to witness my hilarious mishap.
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