My 2012

I laid there still, on a small bed just enough for me. Denim sheets, blue comforter. Wished my sheets were red, wished they were softer. Wished my comforter was red. Perhaps I can do something about them.
I laid there still, pillow on top of my chest. White ceiling grayed up by dim shadows. Red curtains shielded the light of the moon from entering the room. Nothing new, nothing spectacular. Same shit, different night. The night was deep and the chill in the air was cold as steel. Piercing and numbing. Not exactly a stranger to either of those, but you just can never ever get used to them.
The year is ending and I thought about everything that have occurred from its beginning up until tonight. It was a great night. I just spent some time with two of my brothers from the clan and I can honestly say that I had fun. The year, overall, was quite fun. Granted, it had its ups and downs. The ups were great and the downs were slightly depressing. But such is life and I'm glad I still have the luxury of living mine. It may not be the best, but it certainly isn't the worst.

2012 has taught me a lot not just about myself, but others as well. I've learned some good things when it came to what kind of person I am and was enlightened as to what kind of people I want to associate myself with. Not that I didn't have a sense of them before hand, but from first hand experience and observation, I was able to draw a conclusion and ultimately have a better understanding of who I am.
I've met a great handful of good people as well. And well, some that were not so good after all. My attempts to let go of the past and execute a change for the better also took place this year. And so far, I've been successful but not entirely well accomplished yet. For the first time, I got stopped by the police and for the first time, I got a tattoo. It was quite a huge year and is clearly even bigger than 2011. Though it was a good year which had a lot of interesting highlights.
This year also involves the clan's first recruitment from outside Montreal. And I'm glad that we took that initiative as a group. Though activity has been at an all time low this season, we still find the time to gather and be there when duty calls. At least some of us.
And for the first time in two years, I've finally started looking at girls again. Which was quite an accomplishment to me. I'm glad that my difficult attempts to move on seem like they're paying off.

Education and Career
It was a slap on the face when I was shot down to failure due to my inability to be a more financially capable person. I blamed myself for wasting all those years being an out-of-school youth. I spent years drinking, hanging out with people that did not think of their future in a more practical and realistic approach and devoted time to playing music. The last one, I do not regret though. Because of that, I can now easily sit down and write a song for someone I care about. And that's a gift I'm glad to have acquired.
Someone I knew from back then have given me the push to finish my school. And she succeeded in giving me that motivational drive. I did finish a large chunk of my studies and now I'm only left with two semesters. She may not be around anymore, but I am still thankful for what she has driven me to accomplish. I suppose a man will do anything for love.
However, I am still undecided what to take after finishing. I can go to University or just go for a vocational course. I will have to sit down next year and decide. Because I will need to make things happen and be less of a disappointment to my mom and my family. Next year is the year. I'll make things happen.
And as for employment, I have left a few jobs. I'm a stick to one person, but it seems like I can't find a job where I would want to stay. I'm planning on my next employment to be one where I would stay for a few years until I go to a greener and a more final pasture. Though, because of these jobs, I have met a lot of great people. And I regret nothing.

Social Life
As a loner, having an occasional social activity was quite a significant change to me. Not that I was terribly sad back when I had a more introverted lifestyle, but the great thing about being such a person is that I am also able to adapt to a more social individual. I don't get so much socially awkward when in bigger groups. However, I do seem to act quite awkward when with a girl. But that's just science and nothing unusual. The year was great, filled with great happenings involving friends and friends of friends. It is also the year when I have finally decided to get a tattoo. It was quite a huge move and is definitely a highlight. It was quite a life changing experience, actually.
The truth is I hung around the same group of people the entire year, with a few instances of social engagements with other friends and acquaintances. And it was great and definitely more than enough to me. They know who they are. I honestly do not ask for more. I do have wishes in other aspects of my life, but it definitely isn't in the friendship department. I have more than enough friends. Quality over quantity.
I am more than happy of this year in terms of my social activity. Although I kinda wished the clan I belong to did a few more things together, it's not so bad since I see some of them on an almost regular basis.

Love Life
This year is monumental. Not because I have a girlfriend. I don't, sadly. But just the fact that I actually looked at a girl and thought of trying to ask them out, or just trying to get to know them, are titanic reasons enough for me to consider this as a very successful year. It sounds like a complete failure and a lot of people are probably considering me to be a complete loser because of this. But I just really kinda almost gave up and I knew it wasn't the right thing to do. I know what I want in life. But I also know that sometimes, what we want is most likely not what we actually need. I'm glad that somewhat I have moved on and is now starting to look at girls a bit more often. I am still stumped and sort of struggling. I know I am sweet, I know I am kind. I'm romantic and I am so much more. But I also know that sweet and romantic just won't cut it. I need to be more. And it discourages me. But at the same time, I feel like I have nothing to lose anyway. And it is correct. I'm stuck between wanting to ask every girl I know and not bothering at all because I feel like I don't really have the money to commit to such a responsibility. And so I refer myself back to the first sub-topic of this blog entry.
But like I mentioned, I am just thankful that somehow, I have moved on a bit more and I seem to be wanting to be with someone again. And that's a huge step for me. Compared to where I was 2 years ago. I even came to a point where I tried to be with a girl for sex. But I couldn't do it... I felt so guilty I had to delete her from everything. Luckily, I didn't do anything stupid. The good thing is I realized I'm just not that kind of person. I can't be the bad guy. I'm just terrible at it.
I have someone I'm thinking about right now. But uncertainty still lingers in my mind and it eats me inside. Hesitations and discouragement snare me down. I hope I find the answer I need, because it's difficult. I need some time to think about things.


Family
My mom and I are still the only ones here in Canada. It's quite depressing at times but I have come to accept the fact that it will be like this for a very long time. And I've come to know no other way of a familial structure. Memories of having a larger group of family relatives were great and they still are. But the fact is I don't know when I'll see my relatives again. I don't have a face to show them because of what I've become. The expectations were not met and I am ashamed that I was not able to be something better. The year was okay. My mom have made it clear that she doesn't love me. And that is fine. Maybe I misunderstood her, but it sounded like that to me. She still acknowledges me as her son, at least. I suppose she can't really change that. And I know for a fact she's disappointed as well. I was a prodigy and I feel like I was not able to deliver on what I was supposed to be destined of. I turned out okay, but just not good enough. My mom and I had great times this year, but a lot was said at the same time. I can't blame her for those and I don't expect her to take them back. The truth hurts and if the truth would set me right, then I'll take it with open arms.

Personal
The year was great. I've had better years. But at least nothing awful happened. I've acquired a mark on my right arm symbolizing harmony, a reminder to always find balance in the things I devote my time too. For too much of anything is poisonous/detrimental. I've decided to start wearing white on a regular basis in contrast to what I used to wear all the time, which was black. I also changed a few minor things like how I make my coffee, what milk I drink and the things I eat. I've also gotten into training at home. I'm getting shape, but not mass. I'm a skinny guy, but I do want to be just more toned. Not buffed. I'm still drinking pineapple juice and in addition, protein shakes. I'm loving milk! I've become comfortable with people calling me 'NiNja'. A lot has changed and a lot has remained the same. I chose to devour the corrupted parts of my life and decided to keep the things I thought were good. Things that gave me my character, I kept. I wanted a new beginning and I strived to acquire it. The process was painstaking and long, I still am in the process of changing other things. But I'm getting there. Slowly but surely. Every now and then, I still learned things about myself that I didn't know before or was not sure if true. And it was excellent. I'm thankful and I look forward to finding enlightenment a few more times.

My life is simple with a bunch of complexities here and there. I'm not the owner of the most amazing life in the world, but I'm also glad and very thankful that I am not in possession of the worst existence ever either. Whenever I thought I had it bad, I just think and tell myself that there's someone out there who has it worse and that I should not complain. If there is something you don't like, change it. And the things you like should be kept and held dearly.
The year is ending and it's nice to know that somehow, I have made improvements to myself even if they're only in certain minute things. I've done some big steps towards a good change and made some lazy efforts in some aspects of my life. Goals were not fully achieved, but I do not intend to give up. I have a lot of thinking to do and a lot of self-reflection to experience. I just hope that soon I will be able to find the path for me in all aspects of my existence here in this world. I am yet to find a purpose in life. And I want to know it. I want to know if I what I want is really what I need. I want to know where to go and what to do. I want to know if I am here to be with someone or walk the lonely path I was sadly destined with. I want to find the enlightenment I seek and I know they will not just present themselves to me. I must act and make things happen. I can't just ask the questions, I can't just state my concerns. I need to pursue them. I need to pursue what I want. What I need.