(Death will come. Inevitably. This I am aware of.)
A couple of nights ago, I dreamt that my mother died. Surprisingly, or not, I cannot seem to recall how it all came to be. In this quick false reality that I cannot bring myself to remember, I was alone. Well, nothing new there. I am used to a solitary life. So the problem and anguish clearly do not emerge from that issue. But I do remember being sad. Sad in a way that I wished I could've been a better son to her, that I could've been more of a child to be proud of. It wasn't even much about her dying that made me terribly saddened. Because I know for a fact that someday, time will come, she will have to go and I will have to be alone with no brothers, no sisters and no father. As an only child that had plenty of time to think about my situation, I realized at an early age that being alone will be something I'd be dealing with. I know she won't live forever, none of us would. I tell myself I am prepared, to lose her and to lose everyone. Prepared to die myself. But after that dream, I have come to a realization that I am, in fact, totally not ready at all. How I train or brace myself for the inevitable is a question I am yet to answer. I suppose, the only thing I can really do, and should do, is be a good son. If not for her, for myself.
A couple of acquaintances and friends also met such end. And at very young ages. I know of at least 4 deaths in the past 2 years, and this is not counting a cousin and my grand parents. My grand father was the only father figure I really had. For him to pass on was a great deal to me. I don't even remember anymore why we came to this discussion one time, but I told him that I didn't have a father. And he replied to me saying that he was my father. At the time, as a child, it didn't strike me much. But thinking back now, I sort of understand what exactly he meant. And he meant well.
My grand ma also met her death a few years after my grand father met his. It still kills me inside to know that I was not able to be there for her during her last few breaths and at her funeral. But I promised myself that someday, I'd visit her grave and bring her flowers. To thank her for essentially raising me as a polite, respectful and kind individual. She had a ton of responsibility by keeping me in her house when my mother was not able to be there for me in person. Which was the majority of my life. If I added up the time I spent with my grand ma compared to the time I have been with my mom, my grand ma would surely win, hands down.
A couple of acquaintances and friends also met such end. And at very young ages. I know of at least 4 deaths in the past 2 years, and this is not counting a cousin and my grand parents. My grand father was the only father figure I really had. For him to pass on was a great deal to me. I don't even remember anymore why we came to this discussion one time, but I told him that I didn't have a father. And he replied to me saying that he was my father. At the time, as a child, it didn't strike me much. But thinking back now, I sort of understand what exactly he meant. And he meant well.
My grand ma also met her death a few years after my grand father met his. It still kills me inside to know that I was not able to be there for her during her last few breaths and at her funeral. But I promised myself that someday, I'd visit her grave and bring her flowers. To thank her for essentially raising me as a polite, respectful and kind individual. She had a ton of responsibility by keeping me in her house when my mother was not able to be there for me in person. Which was the majority of my life. If I added up the time I spent with my grand ma compared to the time I have been with my mom, my grand ma would surely win, hands down.
And now, a special someone contacts me. Well, she'd been trying to establish communication and kept telling me about being friends. I chose to ignore her and distance myself. Ironically, for someone I wish to be with, I cannot seem to gather the strength to be in contact with her knowing that she's with someone else now. It may be very cowardly and childish. But it fucking hurts more than it feels good whenever she contacts me. And I chose not to say much. I chose not to tell her what I really feel. For I know that none of them and none of what I have to say would matter anyway. In the end, she's happy and I'm okay with that.
But she told me she's been sick. And now, she's in bed and living the days in fear of dying all of a sudden. Something about her blood. She knew it hurt me to talk to her. And so she asked if it was okay with me. I told her that for 2 years I've been dealing with it. I think I could handle a little bit more of it. I'd take the pain for her if she really needs me to be there. I don't even know why she's contacting me. I suppose she's feeling that a closure should be established. Maybe she feels bad. But I doubt that. Once I found out, I wanted to come to her. But she said it's okay. I'm worried sick. And I want to be by her side. Even if that meant I have to be there and see her with someone else. I'd quit and leave everything to be beside that bed. But she said it's okay. She hasn't replied. I hope everything is okay. I hope she's okay.
But she told me she's been sick. And now, she's in bed and living the days in fear of dying all of a sudden. Something about her blood. She knew it hurt me to talk to her. And so she asked if it was okay with me. I told her that for 2 years I've been dealing with it. I think I could handle a little bit more of it. I'd take the pain for her if she really needs me to be there. I don't even know why she's contacting me. I suppose she's feeling that a closure should be established. Maybe she feels bad. But I doubt that. Once I found out, I wanted to come to her. But she said it's okay. I'm worried sick. And I want to be by her side. Even if that meant I have to be there and see her with someone else. I'd quit and leave everything to be beside that bed. But she said it's okay. She hasn't replied. I hope everything is okay. I hope she's okay.
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