Charlie Hotel

After more than 2 years, I've finally started looking at girls again. And I don't mean in a perverted sort of way. Essentially, for that painfully extended period of time, I have not thought of looking at a girl and wanting to be with them in a relationship. I was just too bitter and discouraged from ever having or even attempting of going for a healthy relationship. I figured I was better off alone. And believed that with absolute conviction.

However, regardless of how much I wished to change, and I did in so many ways, there are just some things that will never ever change.

I've always thought that love was the greatest thing that one could ever possess or experience in this world. I believed that with all my heart and it shaped me to be a romantic and a sweet person (according to people). But there was a time when I felt like it was just a load of bollocks caused by superficial thinking and almost always lead to tragedy. But I couldn't devour that part of myself. I've shed so much of how I used to be until all that's left is my right wristband. I've devoured so much of what I used to be until all that's left is the guy who played video games. I've picked myself apart until all that's left is my resolve to be better. In the end, there was one thing I could not seem to destroy. And that's my longing for affection. I always said that a ninja has no room for love in his life. And that ninjas don't have hearts.

I was so in denial. Unhealthily in denial.

One day, I was tagging along with some of my brothers. And they decided to stop by at this store that sold bags. I figured they wanted to say hello to a friend. And I was right. What I didn't expect was to see this pretty girl. I was aware of how attractive she was. But at the time, I was still suffering from emotional concussion that my ex inflicted on me. And so I looked at her and that was the end of it.

Time passed and occasionally when she'd be brought on the table as a subject of discussion, my brothers would tease me about going out with her. I didn't really understand the notion at first, since we didn't really talk to each other at all. And I'm generally a shy guy. But in the end, I sort of understood why. I always pushed Scout for the initiative since they got along so incredibly well. And I wished for his happiness more than mine. When it came to girls, at least. Because I know he deserves it. But my guess was he had other girls in mind. And as for Pyro, he also encouraged me. But I feel like he always has a hidden agenda about the things he does. I love him as a brother, but he does things for a reason. And the motive for this encouragement is questionable to me up to this day. Perhaps my brothers just want to see me happy. Or perhaps it's because I'm the only one with a reputation for dating non-Asians. Or maybe even they pity me for being single for so long. Whatever their reasons were, I was not interested at all. Back then...

Time passed, we had a little bit of interaction under our belts and we've seen each other a few more times. Though I was not familiar enough to merit a hug each time we parted ways with her, it was totally fine to me and I thought it was just fair. And for the first time I actually talked to her. It turned out I was not going to be able to attend the concert we all bought tickets for. Scout and I won't be able to make it at all. I had to choose between seeing the event with them or staying with my brothers to watch Pacquiao fight. Despite my wish to see the Final Fantasy orchestra with them, I made the right choice and decided to join my brothers.

A few things involving her took place the past week or two. She helped me pick up a gift for my mom, for a friend and I got free coffee because of her. It was great. Though the entire time, I wasn't sure how to behave myself. It was almost like I was torn between acting the way I generally would towards girls: sweet, gentlemanish and be a good listener. But at the same time, I was trying to be just a friend. And that meant I goofed around and talked a lot... Man, I feel like I got carried away by my own stories and talked a loooooot. We texted a bit and chatted on FB. On my side of the story, I was just trying to figure out if she liked me. And after careful observation, I have concluded that she just doesn't like me that way. And I understand. She doesn't really know me and I don't know her much at all. And so I decided that the best way to approach her is just to be friends and hope that someday maybe she'll like me more than just that. I've gotten used to girls just throwing their selves at me and not really working for it at all. This time I'm willing to pursue and take it slowly.

She's pretty and smart. And she plays video games. And she likes coffee. She likes dogs and our birthdays are on January 5th and 6th. We're almost the same height too. So far that's what I've gathered given the very little time we have talked to each other. What more can I guy ask for? I'm sure there's more to her than those. And there's more to me than what she knows. I'm just afraid that perhaps I have shown her some parts of me that might not be pleasant. Like my constant charades with the phrase, "That's what she said". It could prove to be detrimental to the image of my personality. But if she can't appreciate who I am then it's fine. These are the positives I've observed.

However, she seems to have a habit of being very inconsistent with her text messages. She would either stop replying, not reply or ignore parts of the conversation. My guess is she's probably just busy. And that's fine. But it contributed a lot to why I think she doesn't really like me that way. If she did, then I think she'd be more inclined to reply as soon as she can or be attentive of the things I say. That's how I'd be, at least.
But I've learned that she's also like that to some people. I guess it's just not towards me.

I decided to just take it slow and start from the friend zone and hope that she'd like me too. And to prove to her that I can wait, I've decided not to text and bother her again. She said that she'd message me for shrimp tempura. And I was glad. I'll wait until she does so. I want to prove to myself and to her that I can wait. Though I fear that it probably won't happen. She probably started school too and would be very busy from now on. And the very little time she has left, she might want to spend with her friends instead. So I'm not really keeping my hopes up.

If she doesn't remember and text me for it, I'll just contact her again come February. It would be the last time I ask her out and if she still says no or turn out to have a date for Valentines already, then I'll leave her alone and abandon my campaign to make her like me. Refocus my efforts. But like I always told her, 'I'll be here'.

(I stopped texting her after this. I want to show her I'll wait. No matter how long it takes)