SitRep [Dec. 22, 2013]

Like many times before, I have failed to make entries in this blog on a regular basis. I don't even remember when was the last time I wrote here. But it doesn't matter, really. What matters is I have the time tonight and I intend to write not just one and maybe even 2 entries. First on the list: a SitRep post.

The year is ending once again. 2013 was an interesting, fun and quite a learning experience as well. In the end, despite some downs I've encountered this year, I could without a doubt say that it is indeed a great year for me. I've had a lot of fun with friends, doing pretty okay with employment and somehow I feel so much happier as a person compared to how I was 3 years ago. To think at some point I was in a place with nothing but grief everywhere I turned. How I am now is more than just okay. I'm way better than okay. And hopefully, with the recent endeavors I've been involved in, will finally find happiness.

Exam will be scheduled for me after the new year. After I pass that, I will have to inquire and finally make decisions as to what my next move would be. I could get myself in debt for school, or continue working and save up for it. I will have to ask some questions and make things clear for me to better understand my options and make a firm decision. First year of the 3 years I have set for myself to make things happen. I gotta pick it up and stop being lazy.
Getting into the program I'd like to tackle won't be easy. But I'm willing to learn and I know I can be decent at it given the time and effort required. The only question is the determination and incentive. I seem to be easily discouraged and tend to get lazy. Weaknesses I'm still working on erasing. But next year is the year, I know it is.

Work's been good so far. I get along with everyone and even with those in other branches. I know I'm a nice guy and I respect people. I don't see myself getting into a bad situation unless it's from a misunderstanding of some sort. Which I was actually a part of earlier this year. But I realized my mistakes and understand the payment I need to make. And accept it.
Next year, maybe I'll work like I normally do the first few months. And then when I finally start school, I'd probably have to do less hours and/or quit altogether. Quitting is the last resort though. I would rather not leave myself jobless even when I have to go to school. That's all in the near future.

I've been involved with someone as well. But I plan on writing a separate entry talking about her and us in more detail. All I can say for now is that she seems to be nice. She's definitely pretty and a hard worker. She tends to be very shy too. And she does not dress like a slut, which is a plus in my book. We have an age difference which makes me worry a bit. I've been with someone younger before and it did not end well. I'm afraid that I might end up getting hurt again. Thus maybe explains why I seem to be holding back with my usual sweet and romantic feats. But I also understand that it's a risk I need to take if I really want to see if I'll finally find what I've always been looking for. And if there's even 0.0000001% chance that I will indeed find what it is with her, then the risk is worth it. I wanna take my time with her and get to know her more and see if we could go anywhere.

SitRep is done for now. More to write about though.

Earliest Memories #14: Gagamba

(We battled spiders. Not a lot of people can claim they've done anything like it)

The order came down from the Teacher's Council. The school principal has told me that an all-out sweep of the entire school must be executed. The task was simple: Search and Destroy..

As president of the school Student Council, I myself came out to conduct the sweep. Along came the VP, Ben, and a few more students that volunteered to participate in the hunt. The directive was to search the school for everyone in possession of spiders, confiscate and destroy. Like a knight entrusted with a mission, I set out proud along with a close friend and a few students. We started from the secondary entrance of the school and towards the main entrance. We searched every classroom and every nook and crannies. Some had to be searched and some were caught in the act of battling their arachnids. The memory of how exactly everything took place is now just a blurry recollection of events divided into small pieces. Though I do remember some students crying. Some were angry. And some were just afraid. I've killed quite a handful of them. My friend killed even more. Spiders trapped in matchboxes, cassette tape cases or cigarette packs... crushed by our feet. My feet. Powerless to prevent the inevitable. Were they better off finding an end of sudden death by our wrath or were they deserving of a warrior's death fighting for their lives on a wooden stick?

We caught kids battling the spiders for money. To this day, I believe that was the reason behind the teachers' order to put an end to such a fad. I don't see any reason why such an activity could be harmful or detrimental to the school and the children. After all, a lot of us did not have a lot in the first place. To have something you can call your own and be passionate about don't seem like such a terrible thing. I suppose it did in a way promoted gambling. And I can understand that. A hobby, can turn into something more. And that something can either be good or bad. In this case, it resulted into something bad which meant that students started betting money on the battles. But then again, I know for a fact that spider battling was not the only thing that students have been into which entailed gambling. A lot have gambled using other means from flipping coins, card games, rubberband games, etc. Looking back now, it seemed cruel and meaningless. But I did what I was told to do by the principal. I regret nothing.

There was a lot more to spider battling than just putting two arachnids on a stick and making them eat each other. I know for a fact that you couldn't just use house spiders because they were considered "food" for the actual more ruthless ones you can find in trees, in the outdoors. They had their own classifications and stuff as well, which to this day I do not understand. Some children set out to search for the perfect spider way so early in the morning for they believed it was the best time. And some looked for them in the evening. I myself have been in a search a bit early in the morning as well with my neighbor. He was into spider battling and I tagged along to help him search for some. It appealed to me and perhaps I secretly had one too. But I was not good at all at managing them and I ended up losing a fight. And if you lost a fight, it meant your spider died. I remember kids would often have them encased in matchboxes with divisions inside. They housed them in cells and made them drink saliva. To feed them, they have spiders from houses that were considered significantly weak. And so they were considered easy food for the ones you find in trees.

The search could've been a success. But I am not really sure anymore at this point. There was no way we could've stopped students from finding spiders again and continuing with the gambling. I just question now what was the point of the senseless spider killing my friend and I did for the school.
The most difficult part was taking away from the good kids that were kind and respectful to me. I stood there and watch the very little thing they were passionate about and have them stomped to destruction right before their very eyes. I could not do it, and so I let the others do the confiscating from the kids that I was friends with in a way. Some kids got violent, but we did what we were told to do. Some kids cried. Lotsa dead spiders on the ground, on the floor. We had to check the back alleys of the classrooms. We caught a lot of students. More than I was expecting too. There was a lot of upset kids that day.

Writing Randomly #02: [Within the Next 3 Years]

The weather's been cold lately. The summer time is indeed over and we are faced with cold nights and the occasional rain. I've always been fond of the Fall season, along with Spring. I don't mind Winter at all, though I'm not a big fan of the streets getting a bit muddy. Summer is always good. I've placed an order for a zip-up hoodie from TheLees and waiting for it to come. I'll be using that as my Fall jacket along with the 2 white ones I have. I am yet to acquire something I could use and abuse for Winter though. But I have time to work on that. It's already September. Where did the time go? Time does fly. And it's only Madonna who thinks "time goes by so slowly".

Speaking of time... the year is coming to an end. It seems like it was just yesterday when the year had only begun and I felt like this might be a good year for me. And it has been quite a blast, so far. Granted some things didn't turn out the way I wished for them to, it's safe to say that there were some really significant and great things that have come to pass this year so far. And I'm thankful for them.
I'm running out of time. And I have set some goals for myself within the next 3 years. This is the first year, and I intend to at least get 2 of the more important goals achieved and completed before the end of the year. I must find the determination and encouragement I desperately need and stop being lazy. So far, so good. But I am a bit behind. There's nobody there to kick my ass. So I gotta do it to myself. Perhaps by next year, I'd be able to either have an apartment, or have a vehicle. Perhaps, I do have school funding issues I still have not figured out. But it's a matter I will have to face by the end of this year.

The lack of communication and my realization about of my female friends have led me to make some alterations to my plans for next year. I don't think I'll be dropping by Arizona anymore. And I'm not sure either if I'd be seeing my aunt in California either. I'm thinking maybe I'll just save the money and use it to fund my plans. Do something for myself. I do wish to see my aunt and ask her questions about my father. But I'll have to evaluate my financial situation and determine whether I'd proceed next year or not. But for now, I'll keep saving up and try not to spend on useless shit.

I've been conducting a sort of experiment on myself. Unfortunately, I cannot disclose the nature of the test/exercise. Let's just say it's a test I am putting myself into in an attempt to make myself emotionally stronger. If I could just keep contact and keep my distance while feeling the way I do, perhaps I can teach myself... perhaps I can endure. I know there's no way we'd ever be, so I might as well use this sad reality and make something of it to benefit me. Though sometimes reality hurts. But it is what it is. And I've come to be less emotional about things. Not sure if that's for the better. But it's a road that leads to less pain and disappointment. She does not know I'm doing this. But it's not like I'm hurting anyone. So I don't see anything wrong with my endeavor. I hope that in the end, this experiment will help me in a positive way.

Random Roses

I stood there thinking to myself how much of a coincidence it was that he asked me about something involving roses. It was funny and at the same time, quite uncanny to me. It was not a very difficult question to answer. I did not have to think twice in order to formulate an immediate and precise response. And so I replied with the very first honest answer that came to mind. And in the end, I added that I found it a bit funny and quite the coincidence that he asked me that. Because earlier that morning, I stood in the shower thinking about a very imminent subject in my near future. And in response to taking advantage of my shortcoming of not having someone when Valentines day comes next year, I have devised a rather "nice" plan to turn my lack of companionship into something good. For me, in a moral sense. And for some random girl that I won't ever know nor meet. And by the end of it, I'll feel happy enough to know that I have done something kind and sweet, and hopefully made someone smile.

(It's something I've always thought of doing. Now I get the chance to finally do so.)

The idea is, to drop by at the flower shop I used to go to, a month in advance (price would be lower), and place an order for a dozen of red roses to be delivered at a random girl that passes by their shop or whomever he'd like to give it to. It could be for his wife, and I wouldn't be upset. No name on the card.
I wouldn't even know if the florist would actually get it delivered. Nor would I ever know if they even prepared the roses and went along with what I wished to do. That wouldn't be my problem. It'll be in their conscience if they decided to take my money and ignore the gesture I wished to execute.

I don't know what I actually want. There really is nothing to gain for me here except feel a little bit good about myself for doing something small for someone I would never meet. I don't know if it's something that'll be appreciated or even get executed properly as intended. But I do know I have a little bit more money and time for not having someone. Getting a dozen of red roses just this once is significantly cheaper than buying half a dozen every week just to keep a flower vase always filled up for someone you care about.

And at the same time, I'd like to remind myself that there are good things about me that I should never forget no matter what. And that I should always remember, and never ever forget.

Earliest Memories #13: Memory of My First Display of Ninjawesomeness

My grand father's family was known to possess a significantly big area of land that were farmed for rice and was home to cows, carabaos and chickens. We even had a few geese and then some goats later on. When I was younger, I've always had fun being at the farm just observing how things were taken care of, feeding chickens and feeding cows. Helping out with simple tasks that were not too physically demanding since my grand parents had people they hired to work for them and such. I believe I have mentioned the farm in a few entries in this blog already. I just seem to always go back to that time because it is indeed one that was a lot of fun and very memorable to me. I live in the city now, but sometimes I do miss sleeping on a hard surface, getting mud on me and doing some farm work.

One afternoon, a sunny one at that. If I remember correctly, it was during the summer time right after the harvest. My grand father's bodega was as usual, packed with sacks of rice. We would have our jeep pulling trailers and trailers of rice sacks to be either sold immediately or stored in the bodega I have mentioned that was integrated right next to the house. I could go on and on about all the things I've witnessed when it comes to farming with my grand parents, but this entry is not about that.
Back on topic, the same afternoon, I was bored and decided to come visit some of the children in the village I usually play with. I was not even supposed to come close to them because I was told to be careful because their family has a history of Tuberculosis along with the way they live and all that. They didn't even have floors. They had the ground right before their feet with no flooring at all or whatsoever. But I didn't think anything of it at the time. To me they were kids I could play with and for a lonely kid like me who's the only non-adult in the house, I ignored warnings and hung around them anyway.

We were just checking out some plants and one of them was showing me some methods in planting. Like grafting and all of that stuff. Vines and how they made these frames made of bamboo where the plants or vines could use to attach to when they start growing. It was fascinating to me at the time though I did not understand some of the things they have shown me. Then just like other kids, we ran out of things to do. I told them I'll come back later and that maybe it's time to eat lunch already. I needed to be home in time.
I walked home. I don't remember the path I took. Nor do I remember what I was thinking when I was on my way home. The next memory I can recall is being in the kitchen to check if we were about to eat lunch. But it was not ready yet. So I made my way to the living room. Where the TV from my childhood that was brought to my grand parents' house sat in one corner and on the opposite corner was my grand father's desk.

That desk was no joke. It was really heavy. And thinking back now, I can honestly say it was built well. It had two drawers on the right side and had a really hard top. It was dark brown to almost black in appearance. It would always have some sort of cover that my grand mother always put. A lot of times, I'd see my grand father there reading the newspaper or one of his Western pocket books by Louis L'Amour. But that time, my grand father was not there. Nor my grand mother. It seemed like I was alone. But I wasn't. My grand ma was in the bedroom and my grand father was just outside in front of the house talking to some people. Nobody was there with me, but I did notice something different that was not usually in that room. In fact, I'd expect this to be in a toilet bowl tank where I know they usually kept them instead of being on my grand father's desk.

(Even as a kid, I was already Ninja)

On the desk were sums of money bound together by rubber bands. I don't even know how much were there. I was just surprised to find money like that lying around the house unwatched. I know sometimes we'd have a significant amount of money like that stored safely in secret places. But not out in the open like that.
If it was any other day, I would've ignored that and just went my way. After all, I knew where the money were most of the time, but I just didn't feel the need to steal. I could ask for a few pesos and I'd be given some with no problem. But for some reason, the Ninja in me was strong that day. I approached the pile of money, took one of the bills (I don't even remember which bill I took) and escaped undetected.

I wanted to buy some stuff and food for me and the children I played with. The first thing that I found was a guy riding around in a bike selling which appeared to be ice cream on sticks. Where I came from, we called them Ice Drop. They would have some "munggo" on top and it was pretty delicious. Specially for a hot summer afternoon. I don't remember what "munggo" is in English.
So I bought a handful of them and brought them to my friends. We ate them and it was quite fun and it felt good to share something to the other kids without expecting anything in return. We had plenty of money left, so I figured I'd just return the change to my grand father. Not because I felt bad, but because I felt like it was the right thing to do.

After I returned the money to my grand father, things got a bit... okay. I was not punished nor scolded for what I have done. In fact, they were wondering how much I took and if the man selling Ice Drop gave me the right change. I was young and would have no idea if I received the correct change. I didn't see any frowns. I don't remember my grand father being mad. I just remember smiles and people asking me how much I took. And asking me what I bought. Thinking back now, it was the first memory I have of myself being a Ninja. But I had good intentions.

This story makes me miss my grand parents.

A Dead Thing and I

One early morning, I was told of a little mouse spotted running around the workplace. And as soon as I heard of it, it was clear to me that in the end I'd be the one to pick it up if or when we find the little critter dead. I was not sure if we'll end up executing precautions to trap and eliminate the small animal. I was not sure if we'd even see it again. But at the time, I did know that, like I said earlier, I'd be the one to pick up the lifeless carcass of the poor little critter. And I prayed that we wouldn't have to find it again.

Two days later, I was then told that it has been once again spotted at a different part of the place. It was clear to me that it did not leave at all after the first contact we had with it. It is either lost or just decided to stay with us for reasons I do not know. Shortly after, I was given the order to search, locate and if possible, destroy the little threat. The females were mostly disgusted and were quite terrified of the cute little guy. I can understand that these animals have a bad history involving diseases and terroristic tendencies towards human possessions, and so the fear and disgust towards them are understandable. One of my co-workers might not be willing to do the task. And the other, I always tend to do things for him as a token of my acknowledgement and respect for his rank. The other guy is barely there and so I really knew it would be my responsibility to do the dirty work in the event that a confrontation between us and the tango presents itself.

After I received orders to search and destroy the threat, I went ahead and scoured the area where it was last seen. I checked my corners and all possible interior locations where a miniature terror could camp itself in hiding. I did not obtain visual of the target and I was forced to RTB for retasking immediately after the failed search. Negative effect.

A week passed and maybe another one. Mike EDI told me that he had seen the target but it had no signs of activity. I went to the back to see it for myself. And there it was, lifeless and floating in a bucket of water. The poor little mouse turned out to have fallen in the wheeled-bucket filled with water that we use with the mop. It was there floating and motionless. My initial reaction surprised me but at the same time, it really didn't.
I felt bad and sorry for the little thing. I did conduct a search when I was ordered to do so. And I did search and had the intention to find it when I did. But one thing I did not have the intention of doing was eliminating the mouse. But at the same time, I did not know what to do anyway if I decided to spare its life.
It made me sad to see an innocent animal perish in such a way. But at the same time, I understand that life can end so abruptly for any living being and it is just the natural order of life. It made me think of how afraid the mouse could've been while it struggled to keep afloat. It made me think of how its parents could be wondering where the little mouse is now. If they're even capable of such mental ability.

And so the day has finally come. I have foreseen this outcome and I knew exactly what to do. And it was the least I could do for a dead thing.
I went to grab two small garbage bags. The clear ones. I put my arm right in both of them. I walked towards the bucket of water and picked it up. I turned the bags inside out keeping the lifeless critter in them and isolating it inside. I then proceeded to seal the bags by tying the ends of them and then dropping it in the garbage bin.

We always say, "I'm gonna kill you", "I wish you were dead", "Die!" or use the words, "death", "die", "kill" and other words synonymous to these. But to a certain extent, we do not realize the gravity of the meaning behind these simple to use terms. Life is short, fragile and can either be predictable or otherwise. Death is a great liberator. But it leaves sadness behind. Those left behind end up more hurt and loaded with the pain caused by one's departure to the afterlife.

And that is the story about a dead thing and I.

SitRep [Sept. 08, 2013]

This might be the longest break I've taken from writing in this blog. And I believe I have a solid idea as to why that is. I could sit here and write about the excuses and all the reasons why I did not feel like continuing to make entries for this compilation, but I feel like that would mean nothing but a waste of time and frankly quite the unnecessary activity to indulge in. Though certainly, I must establish a point for an entry and I did not know where to begin. And so I decided to make the entry a SitRep one.

To those that do not know what SitRep means, it stands for "Situation Report".

(I've always seen myself as a person that's always been by himself.)

A lot has taken place since the last time I made a post. SESS dropped by Montreal to visit Soulja and see his brothers from the clan. I have finally passed my probation period at work and ultimately secured a job. I'm an exam away from finally going to college/university. Working on getting a license and vehicle. Planning on a trip to California and maybe a vacation in Arizona. Training has shown significant changes to my physique in terms of shape, but I still require mass building because of my small frame. I've also been told that girls found it sexy and attractive when men cooked. And so I am currently on a campaign to finally tackle the feat of learning how to cook.

SiFu's visit was quite an event. I myself understand the great deal of trust behind traveling such great distances just to be with people you love. And I appreciate his efforts to come see us and spend some time with us. It was both a pleasure and an honor to finally meet the man behind the voice and personality that is SESSELEEZ. It seemed like he had quite the fun and a good time being around us and meeting us all for the very first time. And I'm glad he did. It was once again, just like his recruitment to the Sodality, a monumental moment to the clan for a member outside Montreal to take the time and money to come meet all of us. An epic week it was and it was a lot of fun. And because of his visit, I was also able to see some of my brothers that I didn't think I'd see if it weren't for him coming here to Montreal. It's sad, but it's the truth.
I was not however, saddened by his departure. The way I saw it was, I had a good time and it was great meeting him. But I know it won't be the last time and I know that we shall see him again. I know he has a life waiting for him miles away from where we are. A family, a girlfriend and a future. Even if he wanted to, I'd strongly suggest he left. Because that's what he needs to do. In the end, I am excited for the next time he visits us once again. And we'll  get to do the things we wanted to do that we did not have time for. And visit other places we were not able to hit last time.

Work's going well for me. But then again, I know I always do well wherever I end up. If there's one thing I am certain about myself, is that regardless of what I put my head into, I seem to always do okay or pretty well. But of course, I have to be realistic at the same time.
I have finished my probation period and have secured a permanent job. I try to save up money for my upcoming trip to come see my aunt. I have a few questions about my father that I hope they'd be willing or capable of answering. I do look so much like my father. It would be quite a sight for them to see me. I do not plan on staying too long though. I just want to thank them for everything they have done for me when I was younger. Their ordeals were a great part of my childhood and it separated me from the other children because of that. I have not been a good son, however. I have made some mistakes and wasted many years of my life. I do not intend to ask for their help. But I sure hope I can find the courage to ask them to help my mother instead.

Training's going okay. I have not been very diligent and consistent with my efforts to get in better shape. But I sure am doing way better than I did last year. The goal is to not be muscular. But to get toned and shaped. Build a bit of mass as well. I am showing small but significant progress. Mainly on the shoulders, biceps, triceps, arms and chest. I may have to look up better exercises for chest and not get lazy with cardio. I still have a bit of a belly and a little bit of love handles. I've been trying to eat healthier as well. And I have almost completely stopped drinking. I don't even remember when was the last time. And that's a good thing. I just want to be healthy and not be sick when I'm older. And as for the training I've been putting myself through, it's not about being muscular at all. I'm not exactly fond of looking ripped or anything like that. But I do want to be a bit more toned and show abs without freakin' sucking my stomach in. I intend to continue doing what I do and perhaps make changes as well. Because the body adapts and I will have to change a few exercises from time to time and maybe get heavier weights.

This month is when I intend to finally take the exam I've been postponing for quite some time now. Just gotta make time for studying the last book and hopefully by the end of the month, I'd be ready to take the exam. If not earlier. I'm still undecided what to tackle in college. I do have ideas however. I just know for a fact that I need to make something happen. I can't just be handsome and sweet. I can't be just sexy or romantic. I know I need to be financially reliable/capable as well. And I know right now that I am not. That's a part of myself I need to improve. I already know I'm... well, not ugly. See, I can joke about being handsome but I can't seriously be boastful about something like that. I just know I'm not ugly and I'm thankful for that. I know I am a sweet guy. But I just need to have a brighter future. And I gotta work on that.

Someone I know has told me that girls found it attractive and sexy when guys cooked. And it got me rethinking about an attempt in learning how to cook. I thought that it could be one of the things I would like to acquire before finding someone. Just like how I am actually thinking of getting a vehicle just so I can have something to use so she won't have to take the metro (assuming she doesn't have a vehicle yet).
Essentially, all I really know how to do is fry stuff. And maybe boil things. And I can't even do those things perfectly. So I decided to stick to simple things to learn first. I started with steak. And in the end, after a few tries, I'd like to say that somehow I could make an okay steak now. But it's still not at the level I feel like would be above average. Now I'm doing French Toast. I've realized how simple it is and wouldn't mind spending maybe just 2 more tries until I get it just right. After that one, I am thinking of either trying something stir fried with oyster sauce. Vegetables, maybe. Or something that involves some chopping of fruits or vegetables. Anyway, this week I intend to do two attempts of French Toast and decide on a style I want them prepared and presented. Maybe something with fruits and Sunny-Side Up eggs on the side. And bacon! I'll have to figure it out.

I'm ending the entry here. I need to hit the bed. I hope to make more entries this month and catch up on my writing.